Episode 386 – I Don’t Know What I Just Said

Sometimes my smoothies are really great and delicious and I feel like I’m drinking a milk shake of yumminess… and sometimes — like today — my smoothies are unsatisfying in a manner that I must fight myself not to toss it out and eat french fries for breakfast…

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Factoid of the Week:
Every three months, Americans throw away enough aluminum to rebuild the nation’s commercial air fleet.

Madrid cracks down on ‘manspreading’ on public transport
Florida Woman Allegedly Stole More Than $93,000 in City Funds to Pay for Brazilian Butt Lift
No 1. courthouse problem: People urinating in the elevator
‘Can I pay in installments?’: Man gets $100 million water bill

Words of Wisdom:
The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity… and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.–William Blake

Episode 385 – Butt Plug Inductors

As I was making my cucumber sammich this afternoon, I managed to shake half a full bottle of turmeric into the ingredients… making my meal totally anti-inflammatory, mustard yellow, and slightly less tasty that it would have been with 1/45th of the amount of turneric.  HnH tastes better than a half bottle of turmeric.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
A year on Mercury is just 88 days long.

Mozambique police warn bald men after ritual attack
Road paved with clamshells emits stench, covered in maggots
Medical pot dispensary markets marijuana pizza
WOMAN PRETENDS TO BE BLIND FOR ALMOST 30 YEARS IN ORDER TO ESCAPE GREETING PEOPLE

Words of Wisdom:
Memories are like mercury. Every time you sort of try to get near them, they slip out of your hand like a bar of soap. -Daphne Guinness

 

Episode 384 – Domestic Parsnips

PSA:  Don’t buy a house.  Build one.  Buy a lot of land you love and build there… just back it up to a national forest so the government can’t put a highway through it.  Seriously, graveyards don’t even stop them from gobbling up your land and slapping a road right through the middle.  Also, all the houses here were drawn up by the same very boring white man who drank exactly one cup of black coffveve every morning along side his dark-wheat toast with no jam.  Kill.  Me.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

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Factoid of the Week:
The man who pioneered the use of semen as invisible ink was named Sir George Mansfield Smith-Cumming, because fate exists. He was the first director of the British Secret Service (also known as MI6, the organization that employs James Bond) and a marvelously eccentric man known to prank the people around him by stabbing his artificial leg. BSS agents were so amused by his latest oddball obsession that they adopted the motto “Every man his own stylo.” Fortunately for all concerned, the idea was eventually shelved. While the semen might have been invisible, it did give off an odor, defeating the purpose.

Swiss village bans tourists from taking photos because it’s “too beautiful”
Thieves using blowtorch to steal from ATM accidentally set cash on fire
SPECIAL: 
The Most Commonly Misspelled Word In Wisconsin Is…
Indian judge claims peacocks reproduce from tears and that cow urine prevents aging
Daughter ‘had sex with her FATHER because she hoped it would make him change his mind about marrying his fiancée’

Words of Wisdom:
The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink. -George Orwell

Episode 383 – Rear End Specialists

I’ve spent the last few days house hunting… and I now wish to dig a large hole into the ground, fill it with books, and never reemerge.  Seriously, guys, it is awful.  House photography should be considered witchcraft and treated as a most serious crime against humanity.  Those magicians can weave lies through their photography that no mortal could see through.  One could have a gaping maw in their floorboards, and the evil photographer could turn it into a bloody pool.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
There are over 6000 different species of grass in the world; some examples are rice, wheat, corn, oats and sugarcane.

Judgey Priest Sends Nudes to Mistress
Truck plows into company AnalTech, releasing foul odor
Woman calls cops worried semen in thermos might explode
Unconscious man rode on car’s trunk for miles

Words of Wisdom:
I seek constantly to improve my manners and graces, for they are the sugar to which all are attracted.-Og Mandino

Episode 382 – Time Travelling Hippies

I nabbed a FitBit the other day and have been in a workweek competition with a group of ladies… and I’m convinced one of them is cheating.  I found a way to get steps while not actually walking (jostle the FitBit while it is around your wrist), and I can only assume the woman is doing that.  Or she has tied it to a ferret and given the ferret speed.  The woman normally averages 6K steps a day… and has somehow changed her daily habits to accommodate over 15K the last several days while working a full day.  I am not bitter… you are.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
On average, fingernails grow about one tenth of an inch in a month.

Delhi University could add Facebook course to English degrees
Man runs into burning building twice to save beer
For $425, you can have your own designer pair of mud-covered jeans
Glasgow gym set to introduce fitness class consisting of nothing but SLEEPING for 45 minutes

Words of Wisdom:
Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success. – C. S. Lewis 

Episode 381 – Herb Garden

Apparently, the inside of my shower looks like an botanical garden because of all the hippy crap I use on my face and hair.  Look, honey is good for your skin!  So is brewer’s yeast.  It just smells like beer.  Actually, you can just use beer.  I had pineapple in my drink and it is now eating the roof of my mouth off.  Someone help.  Why.  It hurts.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:
Your chances of being killed by a vending machine are actually twice as large as your chance of being bitten by a shark.

To avoid trip with girlfriend, travel agent sent ‘hijack threat’ to airports
Coin toss decides winner of small Illinois village election
WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO USE URINE FILLED CONDOM TO PASS DRUG TEST
Incredibly loud sex interrupts Florida tennis match

Words of Wisdom:
Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun. – Randy Pausch

Episode 380 – TEN BLOODY YEARS

Guys, it has been TEN FLIPPING YEARS since Stephen and I started this journey!  TEN!  That is a DECADE.  And this is from someone who cannot math… I am SO happy that Stephen asked me to do this with him so long ago.  We have made so many fun memories and so many WONDERFUL friends.  You guys give us life.  You make these episodes worth listening to and we could not love you more <3  Thank you for being a part of a decade worth of odd and crazy news!

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

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Factoid of the Week:

  1. There is a single mega-colony of ants that spans three continents, covering much of Europe, the west coast of the U.S., and the west coast of Japan. 
  2. The Romans used to clean and whiten their teeth with urine
  3. The Dance Fever of 1518 was a month-long plague of inexplicable dancing in Strasbourg, in which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no apparent reason. Several of them danced themselves to death.
  4. Some fruit flies are genetically resistant to getting drunk — but only if they have an inactive version of a gene scientists have named “happyhour”.

Manure happens: German dad, daughter doused with detritus
8-Year-Old ‘Borrows’ Dad’s Car, Drives To McDonald’s For Cheeseburger
Condom-clogged pipe leads to prostitution ring bust at strip mall
Guy eating photo of Jason Segel every day almost dies eating photo of Jason Segel

Words of Wisdom:
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.  – Bruce Lee

Episode 379 – Devil’s Breath Butthole Mustard Cannon

There are two types of people on this earth… the type that turn the eye of the stove on high while cutting up their veggies, and the type that cut up their veggies before burning the oil in their pan.  I am the former.  I have yet to meet a bulb of garlic that I have not burned while cutting up the rest of dinner.  I am a winner.  That rhymed.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
It takes 17 million barrels of oil to produce plastic bottles yearly. This could fuel 1 million cars for a year.

Stinky cooking odours constitute a crime, Italy’s supreme court rules
Philippine clinic uses Wolverine to sell circumcisions
China introduces facial recognition technology to dispense toilet paper
Wealthy residents complain their dialing code doesn’t reveal how rich they are

Words of Wisdom:
The earth laughs in flowers. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Episode 378 – Zelda’s Breath Smells

Today is Sam’s 2nd birthday, so this episode of inappropriateness is brought to you by his parents successfully having sex 2 years and 9 months ago!  Yay!  Always wear a condom… unless you also want a child that gets sand in his shoes.  I want orange juice.  Squirrel.

Our show is listener supported… tell EVERYONE about the wackiness! EVERYONE!  Even your grandmother!  She needs penis jokes too!

If you really dig what we do, be sure to leave us a review on whatever podcast service you use.  It helps us out a ton!

iTunes: http://bit.ly/hnhshow
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Factoid of the Week:
The orange is a citrus fruit and is a hybrid of the pomelo and mandarin.

Salt lake in Australian park turns bright pink
Lawyer’s Pants Catch On Fire During Arson Trial
Tiny brain found inside ovary of 16-year-old girl
Now You Can Give Oral Sex Long-Distance By Licking Your Phone

Words of Wisdom:
Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. – Anthony J. D’Angelo